Delirious? Why no, my head is just stuck in a fence!

Yes, I was delirious. Apparently I insisted my cell phone was a candle. Repeatedly. When Bunnygirl finally gave up on asking me for a candle and told me to just rest, I said, "Okay, just give me a minute to get my head out of this fence."

It kinda sorta maybe makes sense. Right?

That was Friday. Then I felt better after sleeping approximately 20 hours. Got stuff done on Saturday, worked on Sunday, felt really run down again by the time I got home Sunday afternoon and slept for a bit. I got up and fixed dinner and puttered while my dad was here, but by the time he left I felt like collapsing. Tried taking a nap and slept off and on for the next 14 hours.

I feel fine again. Am I better? Now, I don't know. Ugh!

Back to the daily grind, have a million errands to run and schoolwork to get done.

In the hole and digging financially

Before I get into this, I still think this is a positive change in my life. Taking a few steps backwards is better than constantly being driven backwards until there is no hope. Now, there is hope. There is a future. I just have to fight for that future everyday whether it be by staying up late to finish schoolwork or by skipping a meal to make ends meet and make sure my children are fed. On the plus side, I am still losing weight!

However, it is not all flowers and sunshine and I know it. It is going to be HARD. It is going to be HARD nearly every day. Truth is, it has been HARD for a long time. Trying to live up to the expectations of a husband that did not believe work had been done unless he saw it being done is difficult on a good day, try doing it when illness and exhaustion rule your life. I am not talking about long day at work, I just want a cold beer and to watch the TV sort of tired. I am talking it is a major decision to walk across the room at your best sort of tired. Add to that he finally admits he wants a divorce but is constantly trying to make me the bad guy, the verbal and emotional abuse escalating after he openly admits he wants a divorce (the last screaming thing was over bowls!) and me working and going to school and still pulling my weight in the house and doing the errands, yeah, it was HARD just getting through a day.

The problem here is, not only is it going to be HARD getting through each day (although I continue to hope my anemia is going to self repair now) I have to figure out how to make my finances work. Frankly, right now, they will not work. The money that I make from my job does not cover the rent. The money that my ex-husband pays in child support would knock it up to that amount and also cover everything but the food and grocery bills ASSUMING I have no more medical bills. I can not assume this to be true. Oh, and the (STBX) soon-to-be-ex-husband is determined to have a big battle over custody at the very least which means an attorneys bill as well.

It IS going to be better though. That hope thing is pretty amazing. I am working on a degree. The question is, does the money run out before I get a better job? I am looking at all other avenues, more part time work so I can keep this job and the potential benefits when I've been here a year, work full time so I can just plain have one job and make ends meet and sporadic work. (This is one of the reasons I keep bugging the STBX to please let me have my old computer which may not be much in terms of abilities but has lots of work product on it I could potentially find a way to make a profit using.) I have to just keep going and hoping and praying for the best.

I'm home! I'm free! I'm not home free, but hey...

I just moved into my new place and it is such happiness to finally be free of that constant feeling of dread and fear from living with the soon to be ex-husband. I'll never understand why someone that wants a divorce so badly could be so difficult every step of the way. Move on, I say!

I love this place. It is small, but it is lovely and it is ours. We are now free to start building a new life with out having him hovering ready to pick a fight.

Okay, I admit, it is a rental, but... It is MINE. YAY!

Priorities... and sanity

I'm hoping to be moved before November starts, but I might not be... I might be moved out, but not moved into a new place... Even if I am moved into my new place, there is going to be a court hearing in November and I will definitely not be even mostly unpacked for a few weeks after moving into a new place.

Considering that I am struggling to keep up with everything now (and doing so with a lot of flexibility, caffeine, a good support network and the grace of God), then what reason could I possibly have under the blue sky to think this is the year I will satisfy my NaNoWriMo urges with a completed rough draft?

Ugh, someone talk some sense into me. I've spent most of the day thinking how nifty it was to not be behind on my college coursework so maybe I am all aglow with thinking I can do anything, but I should definitely know better.

I have priorities. The problem is... EVERYTHING IS IMPORTANT. Nothing I am already doing can be dropped to bring something else in, so if I do bring something else in, well, sleep is the thing that usually gets left by the wayside. Since I struggle to sleep anyway, maybe I'll just... no, bad Vonnie! Sleep is important!

Some people don't want anything but to fight...

and there lies the problem with negotiating with someone that actively hates me.

Even when handed everything he could want on a specific topic on a silver platter with no strings attached regarding other things, he still would rather shoot himself in the foot to hurt me. I hate seeing it happen, but I will not fold into a shape that is not worthy of my children and our futures any more for the sake of 'getting along'.

My little harvest...

We picked edible flowers, chocolate mint, basil and rose hips to preserve for the kitchen later. Also some sedge grass flower heads for decoration.

Dug up some mint, a winged euonymous and some pink flowered obedient plant to take with us when we go. I hope we go. I handed the STBX a heck of a deal; I'm really hoping he takes it.

I need a couple witnesses...

Who do you ask to sign as a witness to your advance medical directive when you do not want to worry anybody.