"...I hope you don't have enough..."

I know I did not post last Tueday, but I wanted to save this for after Christmas. 

     I took my children shopping with my meager grocery budget recently and one of them kept asking for non-essentials and being very disappointed when I said no. I kept explaining to them that I did not have the money for extras, but it didn't seem to sink in very well and what little did sink in left him moping and sad that we were so bad off.

     Now, mind you, I believe in being frugal anyway.  Most of the time, we find less expensive things that will satisfy the same need as something more expensive.  Trying Food Lion's Cookies and Cream Extreme ice cream for instance was a brilliant stroke of luck as it satisfies all chocolate cravings.  Using an old tablecloth for a treeskirt works out well too.  The point is not necessarily to do with out, but to find a different way to do with.  Occasionally, I have to decide between a full price option or doing with out and then there are costs and consequences to be weighed. 

     To have my child walk te grocery store constantly wanting things regardless of the price tells me I am doing a bad job passing on my values to that child.  I will need to watch this and see if I can do a better job now.  It is not just a matter of frugality, but a matter of greed. An occasional treat or valuing fine things is vastly different from seeking appeasement through every flashy or sugary item in a store. 

     I explained to him again in the check out line that I did not have the money for a lot of frivolities and even if I did, I wouldn't buy them.  I even went so far as to point out that I occasionally skip meals to make sure ends meet.  (This led down a path of what did that actually mean.)  I finally told them, "One day, I hope you do not have enough, just long enough to always appreciate it when you do."

     This was shocking to them for a moment.  Mom is standing there telling them she hopes they don't have enough!  Then, it dawns, first on the Bunny Girl and eventually on the Boo Bear as well.  They have enough.  (They may even be a little spoiled, but shhhh!)  Enough is a big deal.  I wish we all had enough, but more importantly, I wish we appreciated it when we do.  As much as I am worried about the bills, etc., except for on the rare occasions I decided to skip a meal to make the finances work, even I have enough.  Instead of moaning about where I should be in my life, what I could have achieved and how my sacrifices for my family have yielded me this barely making it living, I should be grateful that I do have enough. 

     I'm working on it.  However, it may be a little easier for me because there have been times when I haven't had enough.  I've slept in public places, lived off of potatoes and whatever I could grow,  and been too scared to admit that my choices were to be homeless all the time or go home to a place I wasn't safe.  I know that having a roof over my head, that living with people I do not find threatening to my health, and mostly eating reasonably healthy meals is enough.  I have more than that, so I have more than enough. 

    I hope my children are never quite as bad off as all that, or at least that it is very short lived and they do not come out of it with the long term consequences I am still having to deal with, but I hope they one day do not have enough so they can know the difference. 

     Oddly enough, I believe this is what we are in large part experiencing in the country right now.  We do not have enough, somene we know does not have enough, we are worried we will soon not have enough.  I see the worry in people's faces, the furtive learning of frugality and the almost apologetic way they mention it when being careful with their money.  They went from being spend happy, lacking all caution to being fearful tightwads, lacking all joy.  (There are always exceptions!)  I want them to find the middle ground.  Maybe they don't have enough or maybe they will have moments when they don't, but this should be a wake up call for their regular behavior, not something to make one fearful, but one to gently bring about awareness.

     Wake up!  I hope you have enough for most of your life, but I hope, just for a little while, you don't, so that you will always know you are not truly bad off when you do have enough. 

     Be cautious with your money, but be joyful and generous anyway. 

I need discipline!

Or do I? I think I'm keeping things together through discipline and determination and lots of caffeine, but it isn't as apparent as I'd like because I'm trying to do so much.

I'm making a list of things I want/need and realizing I'm not going to buy any of them because I can't decide which is more important and I certainly can't afford all of them. Just trying to find non-latex dish gloves(1) was a challenge. I know I can find them online, but I won't buy them if I do. I need winter gloves too; I went through last winter without them. But I want leather gloves because I can wear them to drive and that's usually when I want them the most. Out of my price range when you look at winter gloves plus dish gloves plus... the list goes on. When people ask me what I want for Christmas, I am telling them these practical things and adding in a million dollars just because, well, it is true and it stops me from bursting into tears and telling them I need to find a way to pay my bills.

I'm sure other people do this. Single parents with children or other people that need care and attention and financial support, going to school, going to work, trying to do it all. I can do this. I think. No, wait, I CAN do this! I WILL do this! I may need a little help from above and here on the ground, but it can be done. I still want it all. Is that wrong? Even my desire to be well off is to be able to provide for my family and someday, when I can take care of my own and have some spare, to be able to help out others in need. (2)

I am trying to make this transition easy for the whole family, including the STBX (soon-to-be-ex-husband). He's not a bad human being, just unnaturally resilient in his determination that all unhappiness originates from me. I keep in mind that what I do that has an effect on him most likely in turn has an effect on my children. Therefore, despite his attitude towards me and his effect on my life, I wish him well. This is not always an easy attitude to maintain, but it is necessary in my opinion to being the best parent I can be and being happy with my behavior later. It looks like he is going to insist on having a court battle over everything because we can not agree on one thing, which has an impact on my life and my ability to be at my best.

I am very concerned about this and I am considering attending school part time until this is sorted out as it is a strain to maintain passing grades with out the additional stress and time consumption. I am hoping to not have to do that, because then I will need to reassess my financial situation again as right now it is all geared towards being able to apply for better jobs at a predetermined point in the future. I am not foolish enough to assume degree=immediate awesome job, but I am foolish enough to assume that I will be able to get a better paying job to better provide for my family at some point after getting the degree.

How the mighty have fallen! I make 25% less an hour than I did twelve years ago, before I became a stay at home parent and I am not employed full time. I wonder when I look at my situation and how much of it came about by trying to be a good wife and mother and not insisting on being able to attend school part time at least if I will ever be able to trust someone enough again to let them become financially and legally entangled in my life.


(1) I don't have a dishwasher. or rather, I am the dishwasher.
(2) This is one reason I won't sign that awful clause that STBX thinks is 'pretty standard'. I have often opened my home up to someone in need to stay the night or for a few days. I was beaten (not by the guests) for my troubles once, but I would do it again.

It's the most wonderful time of the day...

The children are decorating for Christmas, I'm working on my final project and life is good.



Life is good. You heard me.



I know y'all know anyone with my life could complain. ALOT. But life is still good, there is always something for which I'm grateful and I usually am.



My professor just sent me feedback on my latest assignment. "You are fever bright with a keen mind, and I'm sure any business you set your mind to is sure to succeed."



I'm toying with informing her that I've had a few businesses that while not failures would not necessarily be described as successes either. However, I am determined that this one will not fail outside of the complete failure of civilization as we know it. (I have a back up plan for that!)

I'm think I'll make her feedback a banner on my bedroom wall so I can wake up to 'oh by the way, you don't suck at life!' (or at least schoolwork!)

Major Changes

I am thinking about changing my major. I am currently working towards a degree in Information Technology. It is just an associates, but still.

The STBX keep trying to get me to sign something that would basically prevent me from pursuing my career dream until Boo Bear turns 18. Obviously, I will not sign it, but this has really made me wonder, why am I pursuing a degree in IT when none of my dreams involve IT?

So, here it is... I could switch to numerous majors that have a lot more to do with my dreams and are still lucrative. I need my career to be lucrative to be able to fulfill this dream, so this is a major consideration right now. I also need my degree to scream at banks in the future that I know what I am doing when it comes to operating the business that I will with out doubt be asking them to loan me money to get started.

My chosen career field will be in the hospitality, food service and boutique retail realms. I think I need to pursue a degree to further my knowledge and hirability in those fields.

Also, I need more income, though I love my job. I can pursue a management position with in the company I am at now, and I intend to once this divorce mess is settled, but I am also looking at getting a part time job in one of those areas. I have already spoken to several people in various local businesses as travel time would greatly eat into my already stretched thin schedule.

Speaking of thin schedules, I need to get off here and work on my current schedule. Best wishes to all...

Delirious? Why no, my head is just stuck in a fence!

Yes, I was delirious. Apparently I insisted my cell phone was a candle. Repeatedly. When Bunnygirl finally gave up on asking me for a candle and told me to just rest, I said, "Okay, just give me a minute to get my head out of this fence."

It kinda sorta maybe makes sense. Right?

That was Friday. Then I felt better after sleeping approximately 20 hours. Got stuff done on Saturday, worked on Sunday, felt really run down again by the time I got home Sunday afternoon and slept for a bit. I got up and fixed dinner and puttered while my dad was here, but by the time he left I felt like collapsing. Tried taking a nap and slept off and on for the next 14 hours.

I feel fine again. Am I better? Now, I don't know. Ugh!

Back to the daily grind, have a million errands to run and schoolwork to get done.

In the hole and digging financially

Before I get into this, I still think this is a positive change in my life. Taking a few steps backwards is better than constantly being driven backwards until there is no hope. Now, there is hope. There is a future. I just have to fight for that future everyday whether it be by staying up late to finish schoolwork or by skipping a meal to make ends meet and make sure my children are fed. On the plus side, I am still losing weight!

However, it is not all flowers and sunshine and I know it. It is going to be HARD. It is going to be HARD nearly every day. Truth is, it has been HARD for a long time. Trying to live up to the expectations of a husband that did not believe work had been done unless he saw it being done is difficult on a good day, try doing it when illness and exhaustion rule your life. I am not talking about long day at work, I just want a cold beer and to watch the TV sort of tired. I am talking it is a major decision to walk across the room at your best sort of tired. Add to that he finally admits he wants a divorce but is constantly trying to make me the bad guy, the verbal and emotional abuse escalating after he openly admits he wants a divorce (the last screaming thing was over bowls!) and me working and going to school and still pulling my weight in the house and doing the errands, yeah, it was HARD just getting through a day.

The problem here is, not only is it going to be HARD getting through each day (although I continue to hope my anemia is going to self repair now) I have to figure out how to make my finances work. Frankly, right now, they will not work. The money that I make from my job does not cover the rent. The money that my ex-husband pays in child support would knock it up to that amount and also cover everything but the food and grocery bills ASSUMING I have no more medical bills. I can not assume this to be true. Oh, and the (STBX) soon-to-be-ex-husband is determined to have a big battle over custody at the very least which means an attorneys bill as well.

It IS going to be better though. That hope thing is pretty amazing. I am working on a degree. The question is, does the money run out before I get a better job? I am looking at all other avenues, more part time work so I can keep this job and the potential benefits when I've been here a year, work full time so I can just plain have one job and make ends meet and sporadic work. (This is one of the reasons I keep bugging the STBX to please let me have my old computer which may not be much in terms of abilities but has lots of work product on it I could potentially find a way to make a profit using.) I have to just keep going and hoping and praying for the best.

I'm home! I'm free! I'm not home free, but hey...

I just moved into my new place and it is such happiness to finally be free of that constant feeling of dread and fear from living with the soon to be ex-husband. I'll never understand why someone that wants a divorce so badly could be so difficult every step of the way. Move on, I say!

I love this place. It is small, but it is lovely and it is ours. We are now free to start building a new life with out having him hovering ready to pick a fight.

Okay, I admit, it is a rental, but... It is MINE. YAY!

Priorities... and sanity

I'm hoping to be moved before November starts, but I might not be... I might be moved out, but not moved into a new place... Even if I am moved into my new place, there is going to be a court hearing in November and I will definitely not be even mostly unpacked for a few weeks after moving into a new place.

Considering that I am struggling to keep up with everything now (and doing so with a lot of flexibility, caffeine, a good support network and the grace of God), then what reason could I possibly have under the blue sky to think this is the year I will satisfy my NaNoWriMo urges with a completed rough draft?

Ugh, someone talk some sense into me. I've spent most of the day thinking how nifty it was to not be behind on my college coursework so maybe I am all aglow with thinking I can do anything, but I should definitely know better.

I have priorities. The problem is... EVERYTHING IS IMPORTANT. Nothing I am already doing can be dropped to bring something else in, so if I do bring something else in, well, sleep is the thing that usually gets left by the wayside. Since I struggle to sleep anyway, maybe I'll just... no, bad Vonnie! Sleep is important!

Some people don't want anything but to fight...

and there lies the problem with negotiating with someone that actively hates me.

Even when handed everything he could want on a specific topic on a silver platter with no strings attached regarding other things, he still would rather shoot himself in the foot to hurt me. I hate seeing it happen, but I will not fold into a shape that is not worthy of my children and our futures any more for the sake of 'getting along'.

My little harvest...

We picked edible flowers, chocolate mint, basil and rose hips to preserve for the kitchen later. Also some sedge grass flower heads for decoration.

Dug up some mint, a winged euonymous and some pink flowered obedient plant to take with us when we go. I hope we go. I handed the STBX a heck of a deal; I'm really hoping he takes it.

I need a couple witnesses...

Who do you ask to sign as a witness to your advance medical directive when you do not want to worry anybody.

CRACKER BARREL!

Is the place to go when you need blackberry cobbler and to do your schoolwork while your friend reads. Some silly program I need to do an assignment will not work from the house. I think maybe the connection hiccups and then the program fails. So Julie reads and I type and wish I was able to be somewhere that was home and relax. Blackberry cobbler, continuous supply of coffee and watching it rain makes this work for now.

fall down, get up again, fall down, do it again...

I can't stop. I'm used to not stopping even when it feels like I can't go on, but it gets a little tiring. It has always been difficult to keep going, but now it feels improbable at times. I can make it work though. Improbable is not impossible.

Boo Bear has been reading books based on greek/roman mythology lately. He announced I was the goddess of the improbable. (I am wondering when he learned the word improbable.) I can get up again. I can do the improbable. With Someone's help, I can do the impossible. (There should totally be an eleventh commandment... Thou shalt not limit God!)

I keep going. I can't stop. Life goes on and I go with it and things get better and worse and sometimes they seem too bad to handle and sometimes they seem too good to believe, but life goes on.

So about the hole... and the coffee...

My son, he gets this idea in his head to add a 'wetland habitat' to our property. Nevermind the lovely creek we have in the very back. Well, he starts digging this hole, and I catch him at it.

After some minor negotiations, it is agreed he can dig a hole, but not where he is currently digging it. I show him where I would actually like to put a pond and he proceeds, with his sister's help, to install said pond. Not bad work instigating and seeing a project through for a nine year old.

I did NOT specify the old hole needed to be filled in. So yesterday, I am dressed for work and I have a coffee mug in hand, I head out to the back yard to inspect the grapevine before leaving for work to make sure we did not miss any grapes when we picked them. My right foot goes down, past where the earth should begin and twists in the aborted pond hole, my left knee gouges out a hole in the earth next to it and I end up with a scratch on my right palm from a rock. In my left hand, my coffee cup remains, planted firmly in the ground.

I did NOT spill my coffee. You can see where my priorities are.

Yay for Blizzard not failing!

I still believe the fault with the hijacked account came from their end. I won't push the point, but several other people I know had this happen to them this weekend through yesterday. If you tried to log on during the authentication server errors, I think you should change your password if you have not done so since.

I got my account back and all my 'stuff'. :)

Hacked.

Someone hacked my WoW account. They sold all my gear, sent all my money to someone else and looted my guild's vault using my toons that had access to it. Transferred my daughter's toon off of her server and onto another one.

I believe I will get everything back. Eventually. Life goes on. Right up until...

Whoever did this made my daughter cry.

I am suddenly not okay with any of this. I am furious. I am going to cry myself... right after I get my schoolwork done for the night.

300 pounds...

That's the maximum weight that can go on the back extension machine at the gym. It feels like there is nothing on it still. So my back is strong but it is still defective. GRRRRRRRR

Money, money, money...

Money can't buy you happiness, but in the name of science, I would like to test that theory out for myself.

Right now, money could buy me 'things' that would make me happy. As it is, I can just barely afford to make minimum payments on all my bills, including the credit card I have to buy groceries on or starve since I did not start a proper garden earlier in the year. (I do have things planted now, but my first tomato has not yet ripened even, just have one sweet banana pepper, edible weeds and herbs so far this year.) Okay, I've given something away. I could probably fend off starvating by foraging for at least a little while, but it is silly that I can't afford to eat. I would like to be able to eat with out going into debt. Debt tends to tilt my mood scale towards depressed.

I maintain that happiness for the most part is a choice and I try to choose happiness consistently. Some people choose to be unhappy and as much as I can love my fellowman, I can also choose not to let them drag me down then they are murdering their own joy. However, certain things in your life can tilt me towards depression or joy. A paycheck that allowed me the basic necessities of life would tilt me towards joy while one that just barely slows my descent into bankruptcy is more of a neutral thing. The slow descent itself tilts me towards depression.

All of that said, I am going to be spending some time assessing finances, mostly mine, over the next few weeks. I believe there must be a way out of this hole that is being dug, but it is going to take some work to find it. Work doesn't scare me. Balloons do! (I have a perfectly rational fear of balloons. Trust me. They are scary!)

Addiction

I am starting to wonder if I am addicted to caffeine. I seem to need it to get through my day at work with out making a lot of mistakes and I seem to need it to deal with people in the morning.

I don't notice when I don't have it other than that I don't feel well though.

Food for thought for another day.

New Plan!

Build a better internet!

Okay, the internet is fine, but the connection options for people who live away from populations hubs are failing those people. To get anything beyond dial-up, we have to pay an inordinate amount of our income. Dial-up is not working for us because not only is it slow if everything else works perfectly, but our phone lines tend to have static and head-ache inducing hums that also foul up the computer trying to have a chat with the world wide web. Is it really too much to ask to be able to talk to mom with out having to take medication afterwards?

It took me 30 minutes to turn in my assignment at my online college last night. The research took several hours and should only have taken about 30 minutes, and writing it took 15 minutes. By my math, I wasted just short of four hours by having a poor connection.

I think I am going to have to spend more time at the library which is just going to be great fun since the librarians at the Jefferson-Madison Regional Libraries seem to regard my occasional muttering to myself as speaking to someone via a cell phone or internet connection. I find it odd that speaking in a voice that is at least as soft as a whisper has them hushing me, but I can talk to someone across the room and it does not bother them in the slightest. The atmosphere at Pamunkey Regional Libraries seems to be much more conducive to the living breathing humans who are library patrons. The librarians at the second system also seem to be proactive and eager to offer assistance when needed.

Other fast internet options usually involve buying food somewhere, which does offer more available research hours, but is less cost effective. Aside from the actual food purchase, there is also the cost of travelling to these places and how long can I justify camping out in the back booth at Panera even if it is not crowded?

I love my fast connection!

But I hate that I have to go to the library to get it. Thankfully my new computer has a long battery life.

Still working on a solution, obviously there must be one, it just is not obvious!

Priorities

It never ceases to amaze me the number of people who assume I am wasting my time on things that should not be priorities. When I complain I do not have time to do anything else or for something to go wrong in my plans, I am told to only do what is important.

So let us discuss what is important.

I work. I have a physically and mentally intensive job that pays slightly more than minimum wage. I have spent the last fourteen years dedicating myself to my family and when I remarried eleven years ago, I found myself in the position of having to ask if I could attend college. The answer was never quite an outright “no” but it was some variation of “you have to find the money”. Now, I realize I could have argued fiercely, etc. but my reality involved trying to please my husband and him never actually being pleased, but I still made the effort. So I have a job that pays less and it is my own fault for making assumptions about the future. Pay less though it does, it is income and we need it. I feel comfortable making the assessment that this is important and I have not received any feedback stating otherwise.

I attend college. I do this online on a piss poor connection. It takes me longer to wait for web pages to load than it does to actually read the page. This makes research fun! Five minutes to get a page to load if I do not have to reload it because my connection broke and maybe 10 seconds to realize that it is completely irrelevant to what I am researching. I stick with it anyway. Why? Because by going to school online I can be here for my children still. Because, I do not know if I brought this up, but I do not get paid enough at my job to support myself and my children. I am attending school full time and sometimes I do really well and sometimes I struggle to get a passing grade. I feel comfortable making the assessment that this is important and I have not received any feedback stating otherwise.

I spend time with my children whenever possible. Sometimes between keeping up with my schoolwork, working and lack of sleep, I just crash when I get home, but most of the time I would rather be doing something, anything with the children. We have projects we work on, sometimes we sit and talk, and sometimes we play games together. I take them with me whenever I have errands to run outside of doctor’s appointments. We go check on the horses and sort the storage unit and talk about the future. This is very important.

I have medical issues. I do not want to go into detail on them here, but suffice it to say, they are serious enough to be a threat to my life if I neglect them, but just keep me tired if I keep up with them. I am seeking solutions that are permanent as possible with out contradicting everything else. We will see where that goes as soon as possible. In this category I will also include that I do work out either at home or at the gym when the opportunity presents itself.

I am selling my house. There is work involved in keeping it up and in continuing to improve on it. I will not bore you with the details of that right now.

I am also getting a divorce. Before anyone asks, no, it is not salvageable and it really is not up to me either way. My husband wants a divorce and has been rather certain of that since February of 2008. He will not let me move out with out punitive action till the house sells though. This is really stressful, but this is my life right now.

I occasionally sleep. I try to sleep more when my schedule permits, but it does not always work out for me. I have had sleep issues since I was an infant and they have not really gotten much worse but are having more of an effect on my life due to my hectic schedule. Usually this is the first thing that ends up suffering when there is simply too much to be done in one day.

I play an online computer game called World of Warcraft. Since being house bound for a time after my first surgery, I have really enjoyed playing this game and have made some good friends playing it as well. It is my stress relief, but since starting work and school, I mostly log on and use it to chat with those friends since they are playing and it is easier for them to have only one program opened and not have to try to talk on the phone at the same time. Since my connection is so poor, I do not get to raid[1] most of the time anyway, which is the aspect I enjoy most about the game. I spend maybe 20 minutes on average per day actually playing. I would like to spend more, but I do not have that much free time. I believe for the relaxation value and entertainment value allowed it is very cost effective at only $15 a month. When you consider the other entertainment options that appeal to me, this is an incredible bargain.

What is important? It seems that everything is.

I want more. I want to do more and find the time to do it. So, in all likelihood, when I do finally get my head above the water in regards to actually having a few minutes of free time for myself, I will find something else to throw myself into full tilt. It will probably be ‘important’ too, but not as important as what I am doing now.

1- A raid is a planned event involving 10, 20, 25 or 40 players acting in cooperation to achieve goals that would be unattainable in smaller numbers.

Why now?

Why not?