I need discipline!

Or do I? I think I'm keeping things together through discipline and determination and lots of caffeine, but it isn't as apparent as I'd like because I'm trying to do so much.

I'm making a list of things I want/need and realizing I'm not going to buy any of them because I can't decide which is more important and I certainly can't afford all of them. Just trying to find non-latex dish gloves(1) was a challenge. I know I can find them online, but I won't buy them if I do. I need winter gloves too; I went through last winter without them. But I want leather gloves because I can wear them to drive and that's usually when I want them the most. Out of my price range when you look at winter gloves plus dish gloves plus... the list goes on. When people ask me what I want for Christmas, I am telling them these practical things and adding in a million dollars just because, well, it is true and it stops me from bursting into tears and telling them I need to find a way to pay my bills.

I'm sure other people do this. Single parents with children or other people that need care and attention and financial support, going to school, going to work, trying to do it all. I can do this. I think. No, wait, I CAN do this! I WILL do this! I may need a little help from above and here on the ground, but it can be done. I still want it all. Is that wrong? Even my desire to be well off is to be able to provide for my family and someday, when I can take care of my own and have some spare, to be able to help out others in need. (2)

I am trying to make this transition easy for the whole family, including the STBX (soon-to-be-ex-husband). He's not a bad human being, just unnaturally resilient in his determination that all unhappiness originates from me. I keep in mind that what I do that has an effect on him most likely in turn has an effect on my children. Therefore, despite his attitude towards me and his effect on my life, I wish him well. This is not always an easy attitude to maintain, but it is necessary in my opinion to being the best parent I can be and being happy with my behavior later. It looks like he is going to insist on having a court battle over everything because we can not agree on one thing, which has an impact on my life and my ability to be at my best.

I am very concerned about this and I am considering attending school part time until this is sorted out as it is a strain to maintain passing grades with out the additional stress and time consumption. I am hoping to not have to do that, because then I will need to reassess my financial situation again as right now it is all geared towards being able to apply for better jobs at a predetermined point in the future. I am not foolish enough to assume degree=immediate awesome job, but I am foolish enough to assume that I will be able to get a better paying job to better provide for my family at some point after getting the degree.

How the mighty have fallen! I make 25% less an hour than I did twelve years ago, before I became a stay at home parent and I am not employed full time. I wonder when I look at my situation and how much of it came about by trying to be a good wife and mother and not insisting on being able to attend school part time at least if I will ever be able to trust someone enough again to let them become financially and legally entangled in my life.


(1) I don't have a dishwasher. or rather, I am the dishwasher.
(2) This is one reason I won't sign that awful clause that STBX thinks is 'pretty standard'. I have often opened my home up to someone in need to stay the night or for a few days. I was beaten (not by the guests) for my troubles once, but I would do it again.